I want to give them to her.
I don't know if they are more gifts for her or for me as they are moments I have always wanted to impart to my child(ren). And to do so would mean fulfilling my dreams.
This is not a coherent list, more of a stream of consciousness. Gifts for me, gifts for her.
I guess some of the things may not sound like gifts (wiping a runny nose?) , but when you've waited 42 years to be able to do them for your own child... trust me, these are moments I can't wait to experience.
- cool, wet bare feet running through the dewy morning grass
- pieces of art 'to mama' on the fridge door
- the sweet snuffling sound of her sleeping
- kissing big, chubby cheeks, munching on fat little fingers
- the smell of water color paints, crayons, and chalk - wiping a runny nose
- splashing in the bath tub
- bedtime rituals, morning rituals
- looking up and knowing that mama will always be there
- watching her play in a puddle, wearing her wellies
- my heart pounding with fear from something that has happened to her
- my heart pounding with love for her
- the door slamming shut as she runs outside to play
- hearing the laughter as she plays outside with her friends
- my arm falling asleep as she sleeps on my lap, unwilling to move it for fear of waking her
- climbing up into mama's bed to snuggle
- lazy Sunday mornings lying together in my bed (watching Coronation Street, of course)
- hearing her call out to me from her bedroom
- knowing mama will always come to help
- lying on the grass, watching bugs crawl around & the clouds roll by
- listening to the sounds of summer, hearing mama digging in the garden close by
- the sound of a little girl's giggles
- walking hand in hand to the park
- driving and glancing back to see her in my rear view mirror
- the first night in the house together
- outstretched arms, begging to be picked up
- watching her happy, growing, and flourishing
- watching my baby girl grow into a beautiful young woman
- being called "Mama"
Looking back over this list (which I've had in draft for a while), I can't help but wonder what 'gifts' M's birthmother wanted to give to her. What hopes and dreams did she have for her daughter?
This makes me very sad and I already mourn this lady's loss.
She is not a stranger to me.
She is already a part of who I am.
I hope that I am able to impart these things - the feeling of being loved, secure, and cherished - on my daughter, in honour of her birthmother. And also for me.
Because by doing so, then I will have fulfilled the wish of a lifetime
