Something I keep thinking and worrying about is the attachment process. And I worry about how my family will respond to my approach to it. I've written about attachment before here and here.
At this time, I have not yet decided if I want a welcoming committee at the airport. Honestly. This despite having done it myself now and absolutely loving it and feeling so honored. But Gina wanted her friends there (she had no family in town). Many others have asked people to be there, but many others have not. Some people have gone so far as to not tell people when they will be returning. I don't think I could do that.
So why would I not want a welcoming committee? Only because I worry it will be too overwhelming for Myfanwy, plus we (I) will be absolutely exhausted after 32 - 40 hours of travel and just want to get home. But I also think it would exhilarating, energizing, and just wonderful to have my family & friends there at such an important moment.
And I'm not sure about having visitors for the first few days at home and when I do have people over it will be for short, scheduled times. I'm already a little worried that my mom will not be able to understand that while I have asked her to accompany me to Ethiopia to pick up M, I will not be allowing her to cuddle, feed, or maybe even hold M. Despite the fact that mom will be caring for her 2-3 days each week when I'm back at work. I'm worried M won't make that immediate & permanent distinction between me, as her mother, and my mom, as a caregiver.
Anyway, there is tons more to write on this subject. For now I will open this up to you, dear readers:
- If you have already brought your children home, how did you approach it? Did you ask people to be at the airport? Have you had family and friends resist your attachment rules?
- For those of you not home yet, what are your thoughts on it? What do you have planned?
- For my non PAP/APs who are not obsessively researching this stuff, how would you feel about not being there for the first little bit? Does the attachment issue make sense to you?
Here's a list of Dos & Don'ts for Family & Friends from A4everFamily. There are some great articles on their website.
Do
1. Offer household help (running errands, preparing meals that can go right from the freezer to the oven, etc.) so the mother can spend more time holding the child.
2. Trust the mother's instincts. Even a first time mother may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to "normal" behavior.
3. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the mother to see and understand.
4. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.
5. Allow the parents to be the center of the baby's world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.
6. Tell the baby every time you see him what a good/loving/safe mommy he has.
7. When the parents need someone to care for the baby for a night out, offer to babysit in the child's home. (After the child has been home for a substantial period of time.)
8. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like he really wants to be with Grandma, for example, he needs to have a strong attachment to his parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not "attached" can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents' requests.
9. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
10. Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!
Don't
1. Assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.
2. Underestimate a new mother's instincts that something isn't right.
3. Judge the mother's parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
4. Make excuses for the child's behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors "normal". For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.
5. Accuse the mother of being overly sensitive or neurotic. She is in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.
6. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who his mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child's experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy can be detrimental to the attachment process.
7. Put your own timeframes on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn't understand...after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.
8. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time he cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time he cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of him and always keep him safe.
9. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public.
10. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.
