I'm talking about anti-adoption groups.
Yes, they exist. I was shocked to discover this months ago. I guess there has to be an 'anti' group for everything. Go figure. They tend to be populated by extremists who would rather see the whole adoption system eradicated because it is not perfect and/or because of their personal tragedies.
Man, if we all took that approach to imperfections within our society we would have to return to living in caves somewhere.
I do have to acknowledge that some of the arguments against adoption are valid and have given me pause. However, one thing I have learned over these past few months (and something these groups choose to ignore) is that there is nothing black or white about adoption. Instead there are many shades of gray. It's not for the best nor is it the worst option - it can depend on the situation. It is intended to be benevolent but can sometimes be unethical. It's a complex issue with no easy answers. It's often damned if you do and damned if you don't.
So what arguments are being made against adoption? While I can't provide a comprehensive list, I can present a few that I've come across that I can speak to personally and I'll try to provide my rebuttal. This post is by no means meant to provide an extensive look at this issue. I'm not even scratching the surface of the arguments nor my opinions on them. If I did that I would be writing a book. You can Google 'anti adoption' to read more about this group's position and to also find sites dedicated to 'pro adoption.' Often the 'anti' groups are talking about domestic adoptions but that is not always the case.
Why am I bringing this up now? Well, I've been reading about it and related topics on other blogs and in the news and I feel it would be negligent and disrespectful to Myfanwy and her family if I did not face these arguments and work through the controversy for myself. And my blog helps me to work through the thought process. My responses may be poorly formed and simplistic but they are heartfelt and honest.
So here goes.
Why not give the birth family money so that they can keep their children?
Yes, you can argue that instead of using money to adopt, that money could be used to support these children, especially when adoption means removing them from their homeland. But what about when there is no birth family? Or when the only adults left alive are the grandparents? Or the family is too sick (as in dying) to care for the children? Or when the children have been anonymously abandoned?
I must admit, while I was deciding between Haiti and Ethiopia, this did come to mind. I initially (and erroneously) hoped that there would be less chance of breaking apart a family in Ethiopia - thus less guilt for me. But I quickly realized that is not always the case. I know that Myfanwy may have living family when she comes home with me. Her parents may still be alive. She may have brothers and sisters, cousins, grandparents. Trust me, this scenario disturbs me greatly.
If and when I adopt a second time, if M does have siblings, I will look into adopting them too. That is if they have been relinquished to the authorities, of course (the adoption agency will not separate siblings in care unless one of the children is HIV positive in which case they can not be adopted and are cared for in a separate orphanage (such as the AHOPE Orphanage). But the case of a surviving birth family is not unique to international adoption. The majority of children placed for adoption in North America have BOTH birth parents living and other family members.
But no one can deny there are children who have no one to care for them. No birth family, no extended family. There are children in such dire straits that they will surely die without intervention.
There is a terrible history of when young, single women, unexpectedly pregnant, were persuaded to relinquish their children for adoption. Sometimes that happened against their will and better judgement.
No one can dispute this (especially a few decades ago), and sadly there are cases such as these still occurring today. And there are stories of government corruption and individual greed that continue to leave a very nasty stain on the adoption process. That's why I am thankful for laws and regulations such as the Hague Convention which help protect the rights of the birth parent and the child. Sadly it seems that some of the anti adoption groups & blogs were started by bitter adopted people and birth mothers from decades past. But not all of them.
Adopting from Africa and/or transracially is just another form of colonization.
This argument is also made outside of transracial adoptions. I too would be stoned for removing an Ethiopian child from Africa by the same people making that statement. However, for a domestic adoption (i.e., within Canada or the US) it's perfectly acceptable. Go figure. It's sad that people still feel this way and can't understand and embrace the concept of the multicultural family.
Celebrity adopters are adopting for the wrong reasons - publicity & because 'Adoption is the New Black.' They are buying their children and just trying to appear altruist and noble, blah blah blah.
OK, I know I promised not to talk about this particular old chestnut again but I just have to (not so) quickly say this - no one who goes through with an adoption is thinking of a child as the newest, must-have fashion accessory. Not even celebs. Not once they've gone through the required education and screening they're not. I have to give them the benefit of the doubt on this. Just because we see a small fraction of their lives in the tabloids does not mean we understand the thought processes they have gone through to make their decisions. Nor are we privy as to when they began the process or how much they paid.
And if I have to hear about another child dying in care while waiting for their adoptive parents to get through the last of the paperwork to travel and bring them home, I'm going to have to scream. So no, I don't care if they were able to speed up the process as long as they didn't skip any of the steps we regular folk have to walk through. It sucks for those of us waiting a long time, but it doesn't suck so much for the child who is able to leave the orphanage that much faster.
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From what I've seen and heard during my own experience, it seems that AP and PAPs are the last people to say that adoption is the best answer for children. It's more often the people outside of the adoption community who feel this way and are OK making a general statement such as this. And prior to my own education on the subject, I might have made a blanket statement like that too. Because on the surface, it can appear that way. But when you start peeling back the layers you see a whole different onion. The layers of grief and loss, the guilt, the joy, the hope - it's all there. And you hear the stories, God, the stories I've heard about the situations that children and families are subjected to.
If we lived in a perfect world, there would be no children being placed for adoption. Poverty and disease would be eradicated. Birth control would be free. Pregnant women would be supported and given proper healthcare. Governments would put their money into these areas instead of funding wars.
But the world is not perfect. So we individuals do what we can along the way. For some of us, that means supporting a charity or sponsoring a child. For others with the wish to build our families, we also choose to look outside of our gene pool and open our hearts and homes to the thousands of children in need. Giving them a loving home to grow up in instead of an institution. Or a death sentence.
Adoption isn't perfect but it's come a long way from the 50's and 60's. And it continues to improve and be better regulated. Yes, it is still born from loss and it always will be - that is its inherent nature and the inherent reason for it. So we work to improve it by raising awareness, supporting positive initiatives, and writing to our governments to invoke changes that will further protect the children. Oh yes we do.
So two fingers to the disbelievers!! I have to follow my heart and do what I know is right!
Whoo whee.
I am fortunate to have friends and family who have followed me as I walk this journey. These people have learned along with me, have read my blog and listened to me rant, and have voiced their opinions, questions, and support along every step of the way.
And I am thankful for that and for their patience.
selam
