I was going to wait until I sent off my dossier and immigration paperwork to post this.
I changed my mind.
I'm still getting through all that paperwork, but I had a WONDERFUL discussion with a dear dear friend today who helped me put things back in perspective (I was feeling a wee bit overwhelmed, you see).
I've heard from many single adoptive moms by choice (SAMBCs) these past few months who, like me, are juggling A LOT of stuff everyday, and putting up with A LOT of CRAP everyday. And so with that, here's a compilation of some of the happy shite we deal with.
To all you single adoptive moms out there, no matter what stage of the journey you are currently in, here's to you -
- For surviving the worry about your homestudy and getting it approved!
- For facing and slogging through those bloody sponsorship & immigration applications (you can take your IMM forms and shove em all up your ...!)
- For completing your dossier and couriering that sucker out!
- For getting through ALL the paperwork ON YOUR OWN - with no partner to help with the answers or to bounce your thoughts off.
- For getting through without a partner to give you a hug when you're having a bad day filled with self doubt or just because you're feeling like shite.
- For getting through without a partner to remind you that yes, you ARE doing the right thing, and yes, you WILL be a great mom, and yes, you CAN so do this.
- For getting through without a partner to dry your tears when you're feeling down or overwhelmed.
- For getting through without a partner to dry your tears when you are just so mind numbingly sad from thinking about the conditions our children are having to face and the thought that they will have gone through so much fear and a lifetime of grief at such an early age.
- For getting through without a partner to share the burden, to make some of the phone calls, to fill out some of that paperwork, to help come up with the witty comebacks to silly questions.
- For walking into all those adoptive parent support group meetings and saying, with your head held high, "Hi, my name is Hazel and I'm adopting a baby girl from Ethiopia and MY husband isn't here tonight because I DON'T BLOODY HAVE ONE."
- For putting up with the doubters who don't think you are really going to go through with this adoption malarkey because, well, you're still single, so obviously you can't commit to anything, and you're a bit of a flake besides.
- For putting up with the kindly old doubters who ask 'Have you really thought this through dear?'
- For putting up with the doubters who don't think you can provide a stable home for your child because you're single.
- For putting up with the doubters who tell you how supportive they are while you can see in their eyes or hear in what they DON'T say that they really don't think you can do this or SHOULD do this, because you are still single and a bit of a flake because of it.
- For putting up with the doubters who think this is just another cockamamie idea of yours and maybe you should just stick to cats, dogs, or fish.
- For putting up with the doubters who don't mention the adoption because it may not happen yet and won't believe you went through with it until that kid is on domestic soil.
- For putting up with people telling you that, 'Well, you'll NEVER find a man now!'
- For putting up with the people who see your future child as some mythical creature who's not real and therefore there's no need to acknowledge him and there's no need to acknowledge the quicksand you are slogging through until that kid magically appears like a goddamned fairy at the bottom of the garden - POUF!! Out of bloody nowhere.
- For putting up with the doubters who think you're a bit of a flake and merely indulging your usual quixotic tendencies.
- For getting through without a partner but WITH the support of those very special people who are like angels to you with their support, humor, pragmatic advice, and love, and tender, thoughtful gestures.
- For finding the means to fund your adoption without a second income earner.
- For finding the means to support your child and yourself in a safe home - approved by a certified social worker and multiple government officials no less!
- For jumping through all the extra hoops imposed on you because you are adopting AND single.
- For dealing with the attitude of those countries that don't feel singles are good enough to love and nurture their children.
- For getting through that time after you receive your referral and see your child's picture for the first time, and waiting, waiting, waiting to bring them home, and praying they are OK and being loved and treated like gold in the foster home, and scrambling to get all the last minute stuff done in the meantime, and have I got everything I need, and who's going to travel with me or do I have to do it by myself, and yikes, am I really ready for this, and there's nobody there to hold your hand in the middle of the night while you silently FREAK. OUT.
- For those of you already home with your babies and already being GREAT MAMAS!!
- For all those SAMBCs out there who know we don't need a partner to be a mother (nor do we need to birth our own babies or wear a wedding band to be real women...that is sooo another story for another time...)
- For all those SAMBCs out there bringing up their beautiful children who have had friends/family waiting with glee until you finally said 'Uncle, I need a break for a few hours,' and then they cackled to themselves because you finally cracked.
- For all those SAMBCs out there who bitch and complain about how hard the adoption process is but would not change this amazing experience and the opportunity to love and parent for the world!
- For getting through without a partner.
- For flipping two fingers to people who think a single parent can't provide as good a home as a couple when in fact single parents can be even more dedicated and motivated to succeed just because of those doubters and those people who sit at their windows, twitching the lace curtains, waiting to watch that single mom FAIL! (THIS is so true for ALL adoptive parents, don't cha think? Same with that old acorn about adoption being second best to bearing 'your own kids.' Give me strength)
I raise my glass of red wine to all of you (and I've barely touched it. honest) - SINGLE ADOPTIVE MOMS ROCK!!! (And no, this is not another Singletons vs. Smug Marrieds rant - I don't believe in that, even though the terms are hilarious and I use them quite often.)
Parents are great, adoptive parents are great. But I think there's a special place set aside in heaven just for single adoptive mothers.
Oh, and here's a 21 Bun Salute to ALL adoptive parents!
And yes, this post is written from a place of frustration tonight (with a splash of anger for added color) , but girls, if I'm lyin' I'm dyin' right!??
peace
