I'm sitting here watching American Idol "Idol Gives Back" and writing during commercial breaks. This show is amazing!! They just brought Elvis back from the dead to sing with Celine Dion - that was brilliant!
I just finished writing back to a friend who emailed me in response to my earlier post.
As I was writing that post, I had a really hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings. There are so many things going through my head about this adoption thing. Just the adoption alone is a lot to process, but adding an international adoption from a poverty-stricken country makes it even more of a landmine of worries and misconceptions.
As I wrote the post I considered adding a note to say how difficult it was to get the words out and how I don't want my friends and family thinking I'm talking about them when I say things like 'don't think of her as a charity case.'
In fact, when I say things like that I'm typically talking about some faceless stranger in the future who might make a remark and I'm trying to process these things in advance so I'm prepared and know how to react appropriately - as opposed to flying into a crying rage and punching them in the neck (thanks Franki). I would rather 'get over it' now so I don't have to do so later.
Or sometimes, I'm not even thinking about any person saying something - sometimes it's just thoughts and worries that I have. And sometimes it's preconceived notions that I have myself that I'm trying to come to grips with - for example, the whole 'she's lucky because I'm saving her life thing.' I DO think she'll be lucky of course because she'll have the chance to live past her 5th birthday and live out her life to it's full potential.
But what started it all was feeling GUILT & GRIEF at having my life dream fulfilled by way of another woman having to abandon her child (or possibly losing her own life).
It's pretty fucked up. (sorry M)
I just have to get the thoughts out - which is why I started this blog. But I can't censure my every word or else there's no point because then I'm no longer journalling. So bear with me and don't take it personally. :-)
If you missed the Idol Gives Back show, the number to donate is 1-877-IDOL-AID (1-877-436-5243) - it only works in the states, I think, so go online if you need to.
$10 buys enough medicine to save 20 children from death by malaria - mosquito bites!
