Since seeing Myfanwy's face and finding out her weight, I have had a hard time keeping up my usual practice of gorging myself with sugary goodness until I fall into a pre-diabetic state.*
Is it the guilt of having so much when my daughter has so little (or had so little)? Of assuming that her birthmother wasn't able to eat for two during her pregnancy (and knowing that I was)? I think so.
How can I sit here, stuffing chocolate bon bons down my throat with a glazed look on my face when Myfanwy is staring back at me from her pictures? This child I would already do anything for. This child I want to protect with all my heart. I can't do it. At a time when I was starting to fear that nothing short of a nasty souvenir of Ethiopian giardia could make me stop filling my pie hole to ease the dark hole of emptiness inside me, this powerful little kid has gone and done it. Even seeing hundreds of pictures of desperate Ethiopian children has not affected me in the same way MY CHILD has done. I'm going to be a sucker for this kid (but don't tell her that!) .
Please God, let this not just be a phase!! If I can again wear corduroy without fear of setting the place on fire from the friction between my thighs, I will be a very happy camper.
(This is where I need one of Uzbek Ubet's famous
bootylicious pictures - I miss those *sigh*)
Have any of you encountered this phenomenon?
* This is not to say that once I get her home and chubbied up I won't be sneaking into a secret stash of chocolate in the pantry when the kid's down for the night.... I am not superwoman. I just look like her.
