Today I ordered two childcare books:
- The Baby Book
- Caring for Your Baby and Young Child
(I also ordered Valerie B's book, Losing It, but that has nothing to do with this post.)
And tonight I attended my first parenting seminar:
Unconditional Parenting: Beyond Bribery and Threats
Presented by by Alfie Kohn, Peaceful Parenting Expert & Speaker
Alfie Kohn, a controversial educator, emphasized the following: Punishment (consequences) and Rewards (positive reinforcement ) achieve the same thing -- temporary compliance. That is all.
He stated that these parenting methods turn kids into self-interested individuals because they are thinking "If I do this bad thing, what will happen to ME" or "If I do this good thing, what will happen to ME." Instead, we should be teaching kids to think about how their choices affect OTHER people.
At the seminar, I sat next to a lady named Mary, mother to a 3-year old boy. Her mom is a Waldorf School teacher. We had a good talk. When she asked about my kids, I told her I was adopting, blah blah blah, and I laughed about how weird it is to be there when I'm still childless but it's good homework while I twiddle my thumbs waiting. She loved all that, but then we got to talking about knitting. Turns out she lives close by Make One Yarn Studio and may pop in for a Stitch n' Bitch some Tuesday night.
Kohn is a very passionate speaker. He was literally jumping around, throwing his arms in the air, red in the face, and raising his voice with passion. Of course, I was able to recognize his many examples of traditional methods of parenting from my own childhood. I worry that those methods will be the ones that first come to me when it's time for me to be a mom. As I said to Mary, I guess what I can hope is that by listening to these types of seminars, and reading the books and articles, the information will begin to assimilate into my subconscious and become natural for me.
Because Kohn's seminar is my first, I can't yet say that I'm going to follow everything he says. There will be other experts that I glean good information from, I'm sure. Even Kohn said that he is not a perfect parent and he doesn't have all the answers -- in fact, he said he couldn't give any black/white answers to the questions asked during the Q&A. But everything he said made sense -- even if in the back of my mind I don't think it is practical to think you can parent that way all the time (and he later admitted that as a parent he sometimes contradicts what he preaches).
Of course he was totally against the whole 'let your child cry herself to sleep' approach -- forcing babies to fall asleep on their own because that's what WE want them to do. I don't buy that philosophy either -- especially for adopted children. Nothing like teaching them they can't count on their newly-found loved ones to help them when they need something! That won't help with attachment or help them feel safe and secure in their new home. I know the various sleeping methods out there are very controversial, but when it comes to adoptive kids, I can see no merit in that approach.
I've written about Kohn's point of view very simplistically here; if you are curious, you really need to read up on him for yourself. Here are a couple of other links:
alfiekohn.org
Does Paying for Grades Really Work?
Reading is its own reward
The Educational Theory of Alfie Kohn
Presented by by Alfie Kohn, Peaceful Parenting Expert & Speaker
I would have purchased his book, Unconditional Parenting, tonight, but the lineup was too long so I'll buy it this weekend. Big thanks to Gina for sending me the info on this seminar. Unfortunately she couldn't attend as she couldn't get a sitter.
Alfie Kohn, a controversial educator, emphasized the following: Punishment (consequences) and Rewards (positive reinforcement ) achieve the same thing -- temporary compliance. That is all.
He stated that these parenting methods turn kids into self-interested individuals because they are thinking "If I do this bad thing, what will happen to ME" or "If I do this good thing, what will happen to ME." Instead, we should be teaching kids to think about how their choices affect OTHER people.
At the seminar, I sat next to a lady named Mary, mother to a 3-year old boy. Her mom is a Waldorf School teacher. We had a good talk. When she asked about my kids, I told her I was adopting, blah blah blah, and I laughed about how weird it is to be there when I'm still childless but it's good homework while I twiddle my thumbs waiting. She loved all that, but then we got to talking about knitting. Turns out she lives close by Make One Yarn Studio and may pop in for a Stitch n' Bitch some Tuesday night.
Kohn is a very passionate speaker. He was literally jumping around, throwing his arms in the air, red in the face, and raising his voice with passion. Of course, I was able to recognize his many examples of traditional methods of parenting from my own childhood. I worry that those methods will be the ones that first come to me when it's time for me to be a mom. As I said to Mary, I guess what I can hope is that by listening to these types of seminars, and reading the books and articles, the information will begin to assimilate into my subconscious and become natural for me.
Because Kohn's seminar is my first, I can't yet say that I'm going to follow everything he says. There will be other experts that I glean good information from, I'm sure. Even Kohn said that he is not a perfect parent and he doesn't have all the answers -- in fact, he said he couldn't give any black/white answers to the questions asked during the Q&A. But everything he said made sense -- even if in the back of my mind I don't think it is practical to think you can parent that way all the time (and he later admitted that as a parent he sometimes contradicts what he preaches).
Of course he was totally against the whole 'let your child cry herself to sleep' approach -- forcing babies to fall asleep on their own because that's what WE want them to do. I don't buy that philosophy either -- especially for adopted children. Nothing like teaching them they can't count on their newly-found loved ones to help them when they need something! That won't help with attachment or help them feel safe and secure in their new home. I know the various sleeping methods out there are very controversial, but when it comes to adoptive kids, I can see no merit in that approach.
I've written about Kohn's point of view very simplistically here; if you are curious, you really need to read up on him for yourself. Here are a couple of other links:
alfiekohn.org
Does Paying for Grades Really Work?
Reading is its own reward
The Educational Theory of Alfie Kohn
[March 4 correction] Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery was written by Judy Arnall, not Alfie Kohn.
