OK, you're going to have to forgive me because this posting might come across a wee bit 'twee' (sorry, heavy on the British vocabulary). This wave of sentimentalism I blame partially on my brother Chuck and his fiance, Brenda. Proceed at your own peril.
So, on Friday, I picked up a package from the post office from said brother and future SIL (they live in BC). Inside was a gift-wrapped box but with no card or hint as to what it was or who it was for. Since it's Mom's birthday coming up, I thought it might be for her so I didn't open it. Anyway, I left a message at their house and Chuck called me back yesterday to tell me it is in fact for me, Brenda found it for me, and to open it now, which I did. And inside was my first 'Mommy gift' (big gulp, dainty dab at eyes with hanky). It is an abstract white porcelain statue of a mother cradling an infant in a circle of her arms. I must say, I was quite taken aback by it and I wasn't able to truly express how much it meant to me. For one, being my first 'mommy gift' really made everything seem real. I love these sorts of figurines but I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never receive one for myself. But then suddenly, whoop, there it is - for ME!! I.AM.GOING.TO.BE.SOMEONE'S.MOMMY. Gad, it blows my mind.
This whole thing has been becoming more real over the past few weeks - partially due to the homestudy and picking guardians & god parents, partially due to having time to adjust to the fact that yes, I am actually adopting a human child (as opposed to my cats). I know every one's already saying 'you're going to make a great mom,' etc etc, but for some reason, it just feels so much more tangible now. I can almost taste it. I can almost touch her! I remind myself that it is going to be a while yet before everything comes to fruition. I may not be bringing my baby girl home until next spring or summer even. But boy, it seems like I'm on a fast train to motherhood right now.
I was also verklempt over the gift because it was my first of the sort. I was all 'ME? A Mom?' The notion of attaching 'A Mother' with 'Hazel' does seem odd every now and again, but less and less everyday. Which brings me to the whole 'paper pregnancy' thing which is a saying used by parents-in waiting during the process of adopting (also 'paper gestation' but gestation makes me think of elephants for some reason, I'm not sure why). Of course, the paperwork and waiting can take longer (or less time) than a 9-month pregnancy, but it's still the time that we prepare for the arrival of our bundle of joy. It's the time for dreaming, planning, decorating, stocking up, nesting. And I am very much caught up into this. It's weird to not have a 'due date' yet (which will be the day I arrive in Ethiopia and hold Myfanwy for the first time - or maybe I will feel it is the first time I see her picture when we are matched, who knows) but I feel a sense of the 'countdown' none the less. It may sound bizarre, but I can feel her growing inside me - how's that for a very literal sense of the paper pregnancy saying! I know this is going to happen, it's just a matter of time. *I have no fear that my homestudy will not be approved. *I have no fear that I won't take to motherhood like a fish to water. *I have no fear that I can't do this as a single parent. I just want it to happen faster so I can meet Myfanwy sooner. I can't wait to see her face for the very first time - to see my daughter - MY DAUGHTER - flippin' 'eck!!
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(* all aforementioned fears may come back within 24 hours of this posting.)
p.s. Speaking of 'naff' sayings, (and my apologies to those who like to say this) but (currently) I can not bring my self to say I will be Myfanwy's 'forever family.' It's just too much! blech.
